SomeMusings.com

There are a few things that I currently understand. There are a lot of things that I will eventually understand. There are things that I will never understand, but I have confidence that I could understand if I spent time with a skilled teacher.

And then there are things that I cannot, will not, and will never be able to understand.

I am completely unable to wrap my head mind around the concept of circumcision.

I’m not bitter. I’m just perplexed.

Males, assuming you are a statistic in the national trend, when you were born, your parents wrapped you in a warm embrace, kissed you on the forehead, and welcomed you into the world.

And then they mutilated your penis.

Double-You Tea Eff

There’s no denying that we live in a relatively barbaric world. I can’t think of a more hilarious example. But, more on that later.

There is a game that I play where I take some feature of modern society, imagine a hypothetical civilization without it, and then have smarmy intellectuals from that reality debate about whether or not our world would be superior to theirs.

For example, I might mentally entertain a debate between two economists debating the merits of allowing service employees to individually negotiate their wages with their customers. Or, as we’ve come to call it in this society, “tipping.”

The economists might make points like this:

Economist A: “Individual Wage Negotiation (IWN) would provide direct incentives for higher customer service. Incentives work, so IWN should be supported in as many restaurants as possible.”

Economist B: “You got it all backwards. Incentive work, which is exactly why we should NOT support IWN. Humans perform an action when benefits exceed costs. In order for IWN to improve customer service it must take place after the meal. At this point, the customers receive no benefit for negotiating generously, something that has a clear cost. If IWN is instituted then America’s liberal arts majors will starve to death.”

And the economists would continue pretending like classical economics is good at predicting human behavior.

Besides being fun, I find this game to be especially useful. Without the cloak shield of experience, blanket generalities, post hoc justifications, and other bad arguments are left painfully naked and particularly disfigured exceedingly obvious.

Let’s play my game with circumcision. What could that conversation possibly look like?

Doctor A: “You know how hard it is to clean that flap of skin on your dick? Wouldn’t it be great if we cut it off?”

Doctor B: “Great idea! I hate scrubbing my genitals. Sounds painful, though.”

Doctor A: “True. Let’s do it to guys when they’re infants. That way we won’t even have to use pain medication.”

Doctor B: “Splendid! And, after that, we can sell the penis parts to cosmetic companies. We could probably get about 40 dollars a pop.”

Doctor A: “Where’s my scalpel?”

Before anyone accuses me of the straw man fallacy, the only valid argument I can find for circumcision centers on cleanliness. The AMA does not support routine neonatal surgery as a preemptive strike on penile cancer. And, yes, it is true. Baby penis parts are used to make facial cream cosmetics.

Like I said, we live in a humorously barbaric world.

Now, obviously, I’m simplifying the issue. If you have the slightest bit of emotional intelligence then you have probably pegged the argument for circumcision as just another retarded rationalization of past behavior — reticent scar tissue habits from a less rational time.

You are correct. Like Graham Crackers, Corn Flakes, and Rick Rolls, circumcision was first advocated in the US as a way to reduce masturbation.

Seriously. In the early 1800’s Dr. Sylvester Graham advocated bland food as a way to cut down on the un-Christian “carnal desires.” The US Army used corn flakes to try his theory. As a suppository.

In the early 1900’s, circumcision was promoted as a way to attack the problem at its head the nerve endings that made masturbation pleasurable.

None of those methods worked, so they re-marketed themselves as health products, and they’re still around today. Like genes, memes need to mutate to survive.

Guys, if you want to experiment with any of those theories, then click on the airbrushed photo of US Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard to see a video of her without her swimsuit.

You see what I mean? Memes have to mutate.

Anyway, there’s also the whole religious thing. There’s no denying that one of the reasons that America loves circumcision is that Abraham, the barbaric, deluded founder of our nation’s unofficial religion, had a particular penchant for cutting up things that he loved.

And, maybe that’s why I’m playing stupid about the whole circumcision thing. When it comes right down to it, I’m rather jealous. 4000 years ago, some shepherd ordered his family to cut up their dicks.

And we still do it today for no good reason whatsoever.

No matter what I do, I will never, ever wield that kind of influence.

Ever.

I’m jealous.