SomeMusings.com

Daniel M

I cut my fingernails outside so that I won’t have to worry about picking them up.

I’m always looking for new ways to do things. It’s not a love of efficiency, and it’s certainly not a desire to make the world a better place. I just want to invent something cool that will make me a multi-gazillionaire. That’s all I want. I’m a simple man, really.

This weekend I’ve been focusing my gazillionaire energy on a way to make watching football games on TV as glorious as they are live. There are some elements to an LSU football game that are lost in a broadcast. Take, for instance, Clarence the Cajun. He’s that guy who somehow manages to bring his beer belly up to your row in death valley and provide you with a living illustration of confirmation bias.

I say that we get rid of the Captain Obviouses in the press boxes and replace them with these colorful characters. Give every team its own official school commentator to travel to each match. I want them all to have the kind of personalities that you either hate or love, and I want them to have the creative freedom to yell insults like “Your special teams need special ed!” Having obviously biased commentators would not be as informative, but it would be more entertaining. It works for American politics.

While we’re on the topic of improving sports, athletes are taking performance-enhancing drugs despite the health consequences. Random drug tests and universal condemnation are not preventing the Barry Bonds of the world from slugging their way into the record books. The system is failing, so a change has to be made.

My first thought would be to make steroids legal. All’s fair in love and war — why not even the playing field by letting everyone use steroids. Football is kind of like war, except you wear more armor. Also, I love it.

But, there are a lot of people who play sports on the high school or college level without making that the ultimate goal of their life. It would not be fair to make them have to take steroids to keep up with their peers. We have no right to take away their future health. Justin Timberlake would not have sold nearly as many records if his song were called “Acne Back.” Interestingly enough, he wouldn’t have to change very many of the words.

I’m bringing acne back.
There’s other players don’t know how to act
Come let me make up for the things you lack
Cause your burning up I gotta get it fast.

I think the only answer is to set up a new league for players who want to take steroids. In fact, why stop at steroids. Let’s make it a full-out super-hero league with genetic engineering, cybernetic implants, the works. I want them to shoot lasers at each other. Jetpacks optional.

I’m sharing this with you because I don’t want to devote my life becoming LSU’s official fannintator or turning all athletes into world-class destroyinators. If any of my readers have the energy to do that, be sure to sneak my URL into the superbowl when you’re a gazillionaire. That’s all I want.

I’m a simple man, really.

In the comments, discuss how would you use science to augment your sports abilities.