SomeMusings.com

Daniel M

This post is rated AO for language and sexual themes. If you can’t handle that, don’t click on read more, and don’t you dare judge me. If I’m old enough to get drafted and bleed out on foreign soil, I’m old enough to talk about whatever happens to be on my mind.

Let me throw out a disclaimer so that we can all get on the same page. I may sometimes poke fun at the military, but know that I do so in the same way that I poke fun at my Grandpa. By this I mean to say that my Grandpa served in the Navy.

I come from a Navy family. You know how every family has that one uncle that no one talks about? Mine went Army. He rebelled against the family by serving his country in a different way.

You may have heard that the military’s recruitment is down, but what you probably haven’t read is that the number of soldiers choosing to reenlist in the army and marines and such is actually higher than it is during peacetime.

Think about that for a second. People here are afraid to go, but people over there aren’t afraid to stay. You really have to wonder if it’s just an advertising problem.

I mean, they try. I was walking through free speech alley last semester and a national guard recruiter gave me one of their fliers. Turns out that they were doing a promotion where if you joined they’d give you three free downloads from iTunes. Try to imagine a badass TV announcer reading that promotion aloud.

You know, Democrats talk about wanting to bring the troops back, but it turns out that the troops just wanted to bring sexy back.

Their advertising is not all bad, though. I saw one ad for the Army that was just pure genius. Now, they don’t do this any more, but for about a month, I saw Army ads on porn sites. Genius. Can you think of any better way to reach their target audience? I can imagine a grizzled drill sergeant marching into an advertiser’s office.

“Now, we need a way to reach 18 year old males with no one to live for.”

As far as advertising is concerned, a porn site puts men into a vulnerable position. Think about it. Hypnotism makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. First it makes you relax. You see where I’m going here?

Before the deed is done, we’ve got a serious case of tunnel vision. I mean, that two-inch video, that’s the whole world.

But, afterwards, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I look around and colors are brighter, smells are sweeter, I can hear children playing in the street, and then, I see, that I could be strong, Army strong.

After you scalp the maypole, you’ll find yourself wanting to do things you never wanted to do before. Two months ago, I took up juggling. I don’t even know why.

Case and point, the Fleshlight. If you don’t know (bless your soul) the Fleshlight is a sex toy that simulates a vagina. Advertisements for it literally litter seedier parts of the internet.

Now, no guy in his right mind wants to buy a tube to jizz into. . .

. . .more than once.

And we certainly don’t want to clean it.

And yet, when you’re in that moment, you suddenly can feel your heart beating in your chest, become aware of the low moan of the air conditioner, look around and suddenly notice friends you haven’t seen in years that are standing in the bathroom waving at you. . .

And you look around the world, “Fleshlight? Buy two get one free? Let’s see what colors they can come in!”

“Let’s see what colors I can come in.”

On second thought, the military will probably be more effective if it finds another way to recruit. I imagine there’s a more heroic demographic.