SomeMusings.com

Daniel M

I’m writing this in my econ class to stave off sleep.

Have you ever been so bored in a class that you wished someone would sneeze? Personally, I enjoy saying “God Bless You” way too much. It’s not healthy. I take pride in not taking pride in very many things, but I’ll grudgingly admit that I do take pride in my “God Bless You”’s.

For instance, if someone lets out a dainty sneeze and covers their mouth with their pinky extended, then I’ll bless them in French. “À tes souhaits!” If someone throws back their head and blasts out a fog horn, then I switch over to German.

“GESUNDHEIT!!!”

I have a sliding scale of blessing and I take great care to peg people at the appropriate notch. When someone lets out a mouse of a sneeze that even they barely noticed, I’ll mouth a silent “bless you”. But, on the other hand, if someone unleashes a loud, dripping tsunami, then I’ll throw out my hands like ballasts and, after regaining my footing, trace a cross onto the sick soul’s forehead as I invoke the Lord’s grace.

I also enjoy successions of sneezes. I try to make each blessing slightly more enthusiastic than the last. If the first blessing didn’t do the trick, I might crack a smile and say “God bless you some more.” And then, if the problem persists, I’ll drop the coup de grace. “God bless the Hell out of you!”

Which, remarkably enough, happens to be exactly what God would be blessing out of you.

I always get disappointed when someone coughs. When someone sneezes, it sounds like they’re being proactive. They’re taking care of their problems with so much force their heart stops. The mucus gets knocked loose and the world moves on. When someone coughs, it sounds like a miserable whelp for help. I have never thought to myself “Damn, that was a good cough!” Last semester I was in the middle of a biology class and the person to the left of me was coughing into her scantron. I tried to concentrate on my test, but in the end it was too much. Without consulting my inhibitions, my frustrations turned into words and jumped down her congested throat.

She looked at me with teary puppy dog eyes, and I immediately regretted saying it. Coughing is nothing to sneeze at.